Good day dear friend.
I hope you are doing fine today.
My name is advocate argronominious-don and though you do not know me I know you I know you through your genetic profile which may sound funny but to me it sounds interesting since your personal genome displays a partial and promising similarity to that of my client a man who recently died together with his family in an unfortunate accident leaving behind a sizeable amount of cash money a fund containing thirteen-million-five-hundred-eighty-eight-thousand nine-hundred and seventy-nine dollars and sixty-nine cents.
Since I am this man’s attorney of record the bank’s officers have mandated that I present a legal heir to his fund which I attempted to do of course why not but after several weeks of no-stone-unturned sleuthing I am yet to find a single living person who can claim a verifiable familial relationship with my dead client and this is the reason I am writing you to request that we work together to build a legal framework by which it will be possible to attest that you are my client’s true and only living heir and in this way the monies may be released to you for our mutual benefit.
I expect you are a little taken aback by the directness of my proposal and because I know you are a very perspicacious and honorable human being who is also a keen observer I anticipate that certain concerns are entering your mind as you read this email such as how is it possible for you or for anyone for that matter to share a partial and promising dna profile with a person who as I have taken the trouble to explain has no living relations and you are quite right to ask this sensible question.
What you know of course is that each living organism has a unique dna sequence and in order to determine a genealogical relationship between two persons a living one and a dead one a scientific study must be undertaken.
What you don’t know is that besides being a very fine lawyer I am also a talented genetic scientist a well known expert on the cultivation of orchids a lover of women but most importantly a person who has secretly pioneered a chemical means of mimicking naturally-occurring dna and I have engineered a foolproof method by which new and original customized dna markers can be made to appear in every cell of a test subject for a period of sixty-nine hours seventeen minutes and eleven seconds plus or minus sixteen minutes twenty-eight seconds or putting it more simply I have discovered how to safely and temporarily transform your bio-sample whether saliva blood tissue detritus from beneath an inattentive technician’s fingernails a speck of skin a strand of hair mishandled left unrefrigerated stored in a soiled plastic box into a customized str known as a short tandem repeat which I can create in my lab so that the bank’s experts will have no choice but to concede that you are my client’s sole living heir and will quickly come to a legal understanding with us.
I emphasize that my methodology is foolproof and I passionately await your response.
Please note that this is a one-time-only offer and time is limited.
Thank you dear friend.
Advocate argronominious-don
Dear Beloved Sir!
I am an African Prince with a degree in soil science. I have an offer for you only! It is medicinal dirt. It is the finest that can be found anywhere. Doctors all agree it is the final cure for all modern diseases. Western drugs cannot achieve the level of this medical dirt, harvested from ancient bogs. When mixed with water it simply becomes mud, which you can easily swallow for full effect. A special offer for you only now is 10 lbs of our medicinal dirt for $1576.40. This may seem a lot to pay, but after you try it, you will not need doctors anymore! Hundreds agree it is well worth it.
This offer is only good for one day. Please immediately Venmo the funds to me at +220 563 979. The dirt will be shipped to you at any address you specify that is secure from theft. Refrigerate immediately.
Sincerely,
Prince Salamadonna IV
I love it so far.