Good day dear friend.
I hope you are doing fine today.
Your recent email sheds so much light on the missing part of your previous message that is to say the part about your friends which it turns out have all abandoned you.
Or to be precise it is one friend who was a special friend who abandoned you and since he was central to the little solar system of friends that you shared his departure from your life pulled all the others away from you and has left you very much alone.
When he told you he was ambisexual and you said what is that and he explained it and you said how is that different than bisexual and he said it’s different because of the fluidity and scope and you said what does that mean does it mean you have to wash your mouth out afterwards and he laughed at least he laughed and his very large head shook because he has a very large head and you couldn’t help but laugh a little too and it diffused the intense anxiety you felt about the situation which it turned out might not have been such a good thing as you explained in your email since it made it even harder to find out what was going on but his sense of humor which was always fabulous even during this particularly fraught and awkward moment reminded you of all the hilarious conversations you’d had over the time you’d been together which were often about your lousy jobs and books and movies which you usually disagreed about but in a playful way making fun of each other’s half-baked literary theories which were made up on the spot purely for comic effect.
And when you asked him if he was doing it with a certain person the one he’d been hanging out with more and more the one he’d always been riding around with in his coke-red custom-color tesla the soft drink executive who you’d jokingly taken to calling coke machine boy the weaselly affected posey effeminate man-boy with no socks and tight trousers that never reach his ankles he just laughed and made a really crass joke but he didn’t say no about him either and even while you were asking these questions you giggled at his answers because he has the best sense of humor anyone’s had in your lifetime so far and he’s always funny in a sly way and you never know when the funny part is going to come and you said okay I understand when you didn’t understand at all and when he left and would never respond to your texts or emails you realized you were still very much in love with him and you were very much in hate with him too.
And this led to you writing embarrassingly emotional almost hysterical unanswerable emails that began with sorry to interrupt your scopious varietal highly imaginative sex with coke machine boy but I just wanted to remind you what a piece of shit you are and how much you hurt me and I need to talk to you right now in other words hopeless self pitying messages that only served to increase your feeling of isolation which may be why about that time you started to change your mind about rumpus who you formerly considered a joke and who you know is blatantly a dickweed and a compulsive liar who enjoys projecting his load of cocky dogshit sassiness over his legions of fawning gussied up hillbillies in ampatheaters around the country preambles to monster truck rallies as if he’s some kind of straight-shooting man of the people not the transparently phony ego-maniac that he obviously is but as you explain at some length also a person who understands and is able to convey that very common almost universal feeling of betrayal people experience during times of uncertainty that are not just economic but personal and you secretly started liking the way he skewers the elites who all live and operate in the power centers glitzy cities the ones who’ve created whole advertising campaigns to justify all the look-at-me bullshit that was until recently on the fringe of what was even considered acceptable and turned them into the main components of their hot new ethos the antithesis of shared self sacrifice and common decency that once seemed to be something nearly everybody believed in and made it possible for your parents and grandparents to drop every personal selfish thing like the way your dad when he’d get off work at the industrial kitchen repair and demolition center would go out to help somebody he barely knew fix their sump pump or hydro-ammunopalpulator torn wind gauze overly acidic klakenshrimp or other techno and commercial failures that happen all the time or like your mom who made dinner every night for the unfortunate lady down the street Miss Midnight who’d had twelve strokes and was always part of a church group or the pta with food drives cake walks patty melts bluechip stamps or like your uncle who uncomplainingly kept going off to foreign wars and coming home so physically and psychologically damaged that he’d spend a month hiding in the woods living on cheetos and countless other heroic and selfless acts that when you think about it were fairly meaningless and hardly ever celebrated but still remembered by the people who were touched by them while an ambisexual modern person like the one who dumped you and moved to culver city or manhattan or berlin or wherever he and coke machine boy are playing house these days a location he will never communicate to you after you had not only been lovers but best friends not exactly forever but for something like four years until he joined the pious legions who look down on people like you who have to get up early every morning to do what needs to be done and trudge on because you still stupidly believe in the old code of conduct that says keeping the boat afloat is everyone’s responsibility while the new code is subscription based invented yesterday or even today without history or tradition and is still being battle tested and the winners and losers have yet to be tallied where you get to pick your own virtues at any stage of the game and change your team loyalties your sex your gender everything is utterly changeable now whether a sine wave or a bit coin the list is too long and you’re not even allowed to blame him for your sadness because blame has been deconstructed to become a super-uncool sort of boring psychological impediment and there’s a pill for it and he might have left you for a coke machine but it was your own fault not his.
And then you go further and say you especially like the way rumpus makes threats against anybody who has crossed him because the people who think rumpus is a good guy are like you they feel thrown away like garbage by the big city elites who think nothing of redefining entire industries and ethical structures and though you’re intelligent enough to see through rumpus’s infantile speeches and self serving machinations it’s this other part of his message that resonates with persons like you the ones debased by your partners in life and whose jobs are about to be taken over by a piece of software of the type that is celebrated in the smartypants sector where Ā-eye is called a new and fabulous doorway to the greatest world ever and you find yourself thinking that if rumpus prevails and even if all hell breaks loose at least all the advantages will stop going to the worst most craven people.
When I hear you talk like this I’m disappointed of course I’m disappointed that you would for one second say something good about a vicious blowhard who sees sandinkyland as a bag of chips in a rack on the counter next to the cash register at a seven-eleven that he only went into because he had to use the bathroom and whose power if he gets in again will grow exponentially and bring down the usa and threaten freeloving democracy wherever it exists in the world and after he finishes eating his chips he’ll throw the bag out the window of his limo and drive on.
But I can also see you’re very much a traditionalist someone who sees herself as part of the bigger story of the long human struggle the kind of woman who does everything the hard way like virtually every emigre or child of an emigre or grandniece three generations removed whether a sandinkylandic one or any other one and I am that way too of course and I respect you all the more for it and understand how difficult it has been for you and how resentment has distorted your judgment but I know too that you have the capacity to transcend these crimes that were perpetrated against your heart.
I hope you understand dear friend that I’m here to lend you a hand in your struggle for self liberation that will lead to a rebirth of confidence self esteem future contentment and your ultimate triumph and I write to you now humbly offering my guidance and support.
There is much for us to do dear friend much to learn as we grow in our knowledge of each other.
I await your positive decision to move forward.
Advocate argronominious-don
Polsters always fail to ask the obvious question: have you been dumped lately?
Still very funny, but getting more real and therefore harder to laugh at. Advocate has a good understanding of the appeal of rumpus.