Good day dear friend.
I hope you are doing fine today.
First, I wish to say that of course there is nothing abnormal for my sovereign queen monarch ja-ya quala-try the impeccable exalted unparalleled peerless in all facets of her expansive being to bear nine babies of various skin colors during the course of a little less than a year and I am forced to remind you that it is wrong to attempt to equate an exalted being with an ordinary person.
I also understand you are several generations removed from your ancestral home on your great grand-uncle’s side your cultural understanding is limited and though it worries me that your knowledge of sandinkylandic sensibilities and ways which I have long considered innate among all people of sandinkylandic blood no matter how diffused by interbreeding or cultural isolation I still have faith that I can disabuse you of your strange toleration of the criminal rumpus and help you to more fully reconnect with our people’s suffering when we finally begin to work together.
You say it frightens you how I know about all these things how do I know about your manager how do I know about your ex how do I know about the street you live on well I have already told you of my exhaustive research which includes a large amount of material that really anyone can find on the internet that I’ve amalgamated and optimized and transferred into a single database which was then filtered through the special app of my own design that distills the information even further and adds special weight to certain aspects such as people and things that you have chosen to photograph and correspondence you have shared and in this way I managed to narrow my search from the original billions to less than a hundred and fifty hpsat candidates whose files I took with me to an isolated location that I discovered many years ago to be extraordinarily conducive to clarity of thought and in this secret place which I designated as a poe or place of enlightenment I poured for many hours over this information and steeped myself in your life and the lives of many others for countless days and meditated and prayed using the unique sandinkylandic forms of prayer that include prayers of intercession prayers of impetraction as well as prayers of wonder and insight accompanied by the chanting of yadda yadda and the ringing of gongs until I succeeded in narrowing my search down to one specific individual amid the six point one billion people whose data I had gathered in the beginning.
Again as I’ve already told you yadda yadda and as I’ve already stated yadda yadda yadda it bears repeating that yadda yadda yadda I needed to find that one candidate smart and savvy and self confident enough to be capable of securing the money yadda yadda as well as a person who’s able to understand the significance yadda yadda of what we’re about to do and someone whose breadth of compassion yadda yadda yadda would allow her to see the inevitability of her actions yadda yadda and to never flinch and to never look away.
It was while ensconced in my poe lost in contemplation of your file that I began to sense the purity of your heart, your bravery, your earnest nature, your compatibility with my vision as well as the belief you hold secretly inside yourself that you have a special role to play in the world.
All of the above falls under the category of yadda yadda all the things I’ve explained to you multiple times and everything that transpired since our first contact turned out more or less exactly as I anticipated it would be.
And yet there is one big thing a truly big thing that happened that I could never ever have foreseen.
It is something that snuck up on me as I read your recent emails the second one the third one and the long one the fifth one which I found to be so incredible so gracious so beautiful and sincere that I had the feeling these letters ought to be printed and framed and hung in a grand museum the museum of beautiful thoughts in the gallery of sincerity and as I read your words I started more and more to visualize you as you were writing them sitting attentive but tranquil your long legs folded underneath you on that purple couch in the center of your narrow living room your fine shapely fingers tapping so rapidly on your laptop or sometimes it’s your phone as you write me these exquisite epistles pausing only briefly now and then to stare out your window that overlooks the dirty street but which also bathes your beautiful intelligent thoughtful face in a cool natural light with the luminosity I estimate to be about a thousand lux and this vision of you I have as an exceptional exalted being simply took hold of me and I hope you do not take this in any sort of pernicious or negative way but I felt myself becoming more and more preoccupied by this image of you this wonderful solitary person this ever-thoughtful emotionally-deep person with whom I keep having an intimate correspondence and yet never can actually meet.
And this image of you invaded me it imposed itself on my mind making it difficult to concentrate on my work making it hard to stay focused on the grand stratagem or to sustain my other important correspondences which have dropped by the wayside and more and more I’m unable to keep myself properly attuned to the ongoing horrors in sandinkyland or keep abreast of the brave efforts by the resistance against the slobobanian mercenaries which is bloody and unremitting.
No instead of these urgent things I find myself in thrall of one obsessive visualization a recurring daydream that sometimes includes you getting up from the couch and moving into your little kitchen where you put exactly three cubes of ice in a pink wide-mouthed stemless cocktail glass into which you pour your guava rose prebiotic soda cut your narrow wedge of lime and pause in contemplation lose yourself for a few moments with the glass held suspended your hip against the counter staring unfocused in the direction of your tired old microwave until you bring the glass to your lips all the while thinking of me.
In my fantasy whenever you drink your soda you’re thinking about me thinking about me with fondness.
Of course it’s impertinent to pretend to read your thoughts to put you through these motions as if you were an avatar in a personalized Ā-eye video but these images refuse to leave me now and other daydreams are developing where I watch you walk outside to the ancient oak tree where you glance upwards into its massive crown before you rub your fingers along its trunk while in the meantime I’m just a mote of dust a disembodied spectator floating a little off the ground among the dappled shadows as I cast about warily in fear that motorcycle man may suddenly arrive to harm you.
These involuntary images haunt me deep into the night while I lie in my bed and visualize you moving about your house thinking about me while you write your gorgeous emails.
And now I no longer believe that my nearly omniscient web of digital surveillance is really what brought us together and made it possible for us to find each other I no longer believe it had anything to do with my esoteric skills in harnessing the trillion trillion bytes of data no it wasn’t that it was never anything technological or even worldly that caused me to locate you and to begin to study you to converse with you.
It was destiny.
These feelings of destiny overwhelm me now and my emotions fluctuate from joyousness into a deep and somber gloom.
More than anything I fear your rejection and as I write these words I worry they will push you further away that you’ll think I’m stalking you or think that my obsession is a physical one.
It is not most definitely it is not it is a spiritual one it’s an intense fascination with the primal nature and power of your spirit and this is why I feel that we must come together as soon as possible because I know we are two sides of a single coin and I believe this extraordinary spiritual synergy has been with us since before our births.
Your ex by the way has become the manager of a multinational libonium mine in one of sandinkyland’s neighboring states where the impoverished citizens are exploited to the utmost by carpetbagging elites highly-paid agents of business conglomerates who control the land through legal means and even small children are sent down to work the mines where many die in accidents and where pollution shortens the lives of those who toil in the libonium dust and where your ex lives in a large white colonial mansion with a satellite dish cohabitating with another american man named lawrence who I take to be the infamous coke machine boy and the two of them communicate with over one hundred people on a regular basis but your ex never mentions you in any of his correspondence and it is high time you forget about him.
I think about you night and day.
I await your clear and unequivocal yes.
Thank you dear friend.
Advocate argronominious-don
Yadda yadda yadda. Don’t mind me. I’m just meditating….
Dear Ruben
I've been trying to make heads or tails of this salmagundy of flibberty-gibberty, jaberwocky and hocus pocus. And now I've finally got it: 'It is not most definitely it is'. I'm thinking, this is my little of bit of satori today. THIS will will enlighten me, and possibly humankind at large.