Good day dear friend.
I hope you are doing fine today.
I was surprised to read this morning’s emotional email with your pleading tone that is somewhat worrisome as I think of you as a strong person and yet I understand how difficult this must be for you who up until now have never been faced with a choice that can be considered nearly as life changing as this one and now you find yourself overtaken by worry and indecision.
What if you are making a terrible mistake what if this person—I refer to myself here—with whom you are having this intimate correspondence is a fraudster a trickster or some kind of foreign agent and what if this person’s plan to access the thirteen-million-five-hundred-eighty-eight-thousand-nine-hundred and seventy-nine dollars and sixty-nine cents leads to you being arrested sent to prison where the food arrives on a tray of brown styrofoam and consist of two slices of balogna sausage a partially-spilled-out-of-a-crumpled-cupcake-paper-one-ounce portion of puffed rice a sugar packet a packet of sweet n’low a cardboard cup of lukewarm-almost-transparent tea and as you contemplate this sad repast your ex when he hears about your downfall laughs heartily before he orders a dozen or so of his impoverished-teenage employees to go deeper into the countryside to round up more children to send into the libonium mines and what if the weird obsession that this person described to you as not an erotic one turns out to be in fact an erotic one and the true purpose of this person’s almost worshipful attitude towards you is to lure you into the sort of relationship you had never wished nor bargained for.
What if.
It’s clear that you are being pulled down into the ever-equivocating distrustful waters of whatifness and now you’re at risk of drowning there but amidst all your worries and consternations there is one highly positive piece of news in your latest email.
In the twenty-eighth paragraph you say in a roundabout and imploring way that you do in fact wish to collaborate with me because you are very much desirous of getting your hands on the fifty percent share of thirteen-million-five-hundred-eighty-eight-thousand nine-hundred and seventy-nine dollars and sixty-nine cents but only on the condition that you can see my face and can question me about whether or not I am the descendant of a long line of con artists as well as many other particulars related to our project the name of my deceased client the name of his bank etcetera and so on.
I am of course very thrilled to hear that you wish for a one on one meeting with me at long last but at the same time besides seeing my lips move as I tell you frankly that I am not a con artist swindler flimflam barracuda person or any other type of hustler I cannot accede to these other conditions.
It is absolutely necessary to have a firm commitment from you from the outset if we are to begin to work together and I believe I made it perfectly clear when I first reached out to you that I need to have a promise of your unwavering support and I need to know with certainty you will not turn against me during the multiple phases of the delicate business that lies ahead.
So as you can tell I have my own set of concerns and now another has been added: your continued reluctance to make a commitment which is something eerily reminiscent of your former boyfriend’s behavior I might add and I wonder will you waffle during a critical moment in the negotiations with the bank.
I admit it was wrong of me to write about my recurring daydreams that involve various mental pictures of you typing letters and drinking sparkling beverages but I believe the reason I lapsed into this odd self indulgence is that I only know you through written messages in other words abstractions strings of words that pass between us while all else remains static and the beauty of your language has moved me to mythologize our relationship and of course a myth is a sort of dramatic story that in this case has you in the starring role and these hypnotizing visions were for me a spontaneous self-created antidote to the unreality of everything the way we exist apart from each other never in a shared space and we have yet even once to experience the sensation of togetherness.
In sandinkylandic mythology the entire universe is simply a daydream in the mind of a three-horned gazelle who we call mamononomopapetitas and I think about that sometimes I think how that means our selfish thoughts and concerns like the horrors inflicted on our people that rouse me to action the cruelties of your former boyfriend and his indifference that causes you suffering are only a microscopic part of the gigantic layered daydream we call reality which is being continuously generated in the mind of one ruminant mammal.
And in the eleven days we’ve known each other you’ve written seven long beautiful epistles which I’ve tried in my humble way to match in kind though it was never possible for me to do so and I allowed myself to become too much affected by your poetry of evasiveness and now I’m very sorry.
Forgive me.
Let us get back to business.
I repeat: my plan is foolproof.
In response to your request for a zoom meeting I agree to meet you in a private channel though it will not be zoom it will be a special app of my own design that will appear on your laptop and your phone tomorrow at precisely seven-forty-three minutes and twelve seconds a-m your local time.
I forewarn you that my face will be digitally masked and my voice will be altered electronically but at least in this way you should be able to get a clear indication of my integrity and truthfulness and I must say I’m excited to have the analogy of your face beamed to me and to have a replication of your voice propagated through waves and conveyed to me at last.
Thank You Dear Friend.
Advocate argronominious-don
I was wondering about the 3 horned gazelle illustration. Now I'm wondering about the bloody machete illustration.
Ok. I'll Venmo you. Oh wait. I don't think they have Venmo in Switzerland.